I Love Haruno Sakura
by juliet agn
Summary: This is why we don't save people with 100 dollar gift cards to Barnes and Nobles.


**Hello! Thanks for clicking on this story. I hope you enjoy it!**

**To make my life easier, Minato's last name has been changed to Uzumaki. Also, Sakura may seem a little OOC.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Barnes and Nobles, or Disney. I don't even own the computer I'm using right now.**

_I Love Haruno Sakura_

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a man named Minato.

Minato lived in a large trading city called Konoha, where if your craft didn't have something to do with trading, you were the biggest loser in the entire world.

So naturally, Minato was a garbage man.

But Minato never got many golden opportunities in life. He always crapped out, from the beginning of his existence. In preschool he broke the orange crayon, and then proceeded to get his face broken by an aspiring bully. He even lost the race for most stupid in high school. But at his graduation ceremony (where he was not remotely close to the top ten), Minato decided he would turn his life around and make something of himself.

Enter the only golden opportunity Minato would ever get. A rich business man came up to the young, naïve Minato and presented him with an amazing job offer, one that Minato wouldn't even have to go to college for. The business man announced in his best seller voice that Minato would start training immediately, get a high salary from the second he started working, and would get all the health benefits he needed.

Minato remembered the promise he had made himself, and accepted without even hearing what the actual job was.

Minato was presented with a janitor's outfit when he showed up for his new job the next day.

And Minato has worked as a janitor for a prominent trading company ever since.

A severely mutilated alarm beeped, said beeping so scratchy and fuzzy that it sounded like the alarm was on its last breath. The device shut down a few minutes later, the red numbers blinking away. In a delayed reaction, a hand shot out, grabbed the alarm, and threw it at the wall. It hit with a loud _thunk_, making a dent very much like several other dents in the grotesque wall paper.

Uzumaki Naruto, twenty-one year old son of the big loser Minato, sat up blearily and rubbed his eyes. He squinted at the ruined wall, trying to make out what he had thrown in the darkness that accompanies early morning. Realization hit him, and if anyone had been there to see him, Naruto would have smiled sheepishly. Instead, he called out "Dad!" and left his room in his favorite pajamas (underwear), not bothering to lift the shade or make his bed.

Naruto crossed the tiny apartment he shared with his father and barged into Minato's room. "C'mon, old man!" he said to a lump hiding underneath bed sheets, only half joking. "Time for work! . . . And I, uh, broke another clock."

"You got your mother's stupid genes," mumbled a grumpy voice, still heavy with sleep.

Naruto smiled widely, though mentions of his mother usually made him want to jump out a window.

Uzumaki Naruto was just another thing that went wrong in Minato's life. He wasn't even supposed to exist, not really. Naruto's mother was an actual hooker (Minato's bad luck extended to women as well), a fact Minato had never tried to hide from his son. Naruto's mother had shown up at Minato's apartment one day, a baby in her arms and a scowl on her face. "His name is Naruto," she had said. "So don't you go around trying to call him Baruto." With that, she had thrust the baby Naruto into Minato's arms and proceeded to stalk away, leaving Minato with a huge responsibility. Now, Minato loved his son, but he had made Minato's life a whole lot harder than he had wanted it to be. Not to mention that Minato's poor lifestyle wasn't exactly the best place for a child to grow up in. A good thing that Minato had spotted was Naruto's undeniable good looks. Minato knew attractive people got farther in life than ugly ones. Anyone who needed proof could just go back in time to Minato's ten-year high school reunion.

So far, Naruto's crowning achievements were getting expelled from six different schools and flunking out of college because of a refusal to do homework.

Minato prayed to God daily.

"I'll make some bacon for breakfast, Dad!" Naruto called as he left Minato's room. Minato threw back the covers and sighed. He really didn't need any bacon.

Minato started getting ready for janitor duty at six. Soon, the smell of cooking bacon reached his nose. He headed into the kitchen, which was just big enough to fit a table for two people and a few appliances (Not including a dishwasher. The evil task of dish-washing usually fell on Naruto's shoulders.). Naruto dumped some bacon on a plate and handed it to his father, along with some toast and a glass of orange juice. "I gotta go get ready, Dad," Naruto said, hurrying out of the kitchen. "Work at Mickey's starts in a half an hour."

"No breakfast?" Minato called out to his son.

"Nah, I'll mooch off of someone at work."

Naruto dressed quickly, throwing on a black shirt and black jeans that was his uniform for waiter duty. Naruto's favorite job was working at a dinky little restaurant called Mickey's. The pay was low, and the job less than glamorous, but Naruto didn't mind. The people were nice enough. The downside was that restaurant-working was ranked high on the list of loser jobs (along with janitors), though the people of Naruto's city loved to eat out. Naruto didn't actually care too much, but his father did. Low social standing had never bothered Naruto.

He said a quick goodbye to his father, and then left the apartment building, entering a world of dirt and grime. Minato and Naruto didn't live in a particularly clean or nice neighborhood, but Naruto wasn't at any risk of getting jumped at this hour. He could already see the tip of the sun in the early morning sky. He walked down a street, whistling a happy tune, earning him annoyed glances from other pedestrians. He took out his cell phone as he walked, checking the time. Five twenty-eight. He was going to be late for work. Oh, no.

Mickey's was about a ten minute walk from Naruto's apartment. He supposed he should learn to get ready faster, but Naruto knew he would never care enough to. The owner of Mickey's, a guy named Mickey, wouldn't ever fire Naruto. Naruto's charisma and attractiveness brought back a lot of patrons, male and female.

Naruto turned onto another street, emptier than the first. He started whistling a sad song, just because he could, when he suddenly heard a frightened scream. Naruto stopped whistling, feeling a flash of fear crawl up his spine.

He heard it again. This time he was able to discern that the scream was coming from an alley in between a gardening store and a bicycle shop with a hole in its window. He snuck up to the alley's entrance, and peered into it, using all of his fairly non-existent spy skills to stay silent and hidden.

He saw a crowd of about four men circling a woman, who was holding two high-heeled shoes, evidently using them as weapons. The woman was dressed in an obviously expensive pale pink dress, wearing a pearl necklace, and had a small purse dangling off one arm. She looked young, around Naruto's age. She was unbelievably attractive too, with striking green eyes and usual pink hair. She held out her shoes defensively, calling out, "Help! Help!"

"Shut up, girl," one of the men growled. "And give us your one hundred dollar gift card to Barnes and Nobles! We know it's in there!"

"Never!" the lady cried. "Help! Somebody help!"

Naruto didn't believe in love at first sight. But when he saw that clearly rich woman, he knew that he wanted to grow old talking about the good old days, annoying the crap out of his grandchildren, with her. Nothing stopped Naruto from jumping into the alley and yelling a battle cry, with no weapon but his fists.

Shock flitted across the men's faces and they stood stupid for a moment. It was enough time for Naruto to punch one guy in the nose and turn on another. The men finally regained movement and let out some very unmanly screeches, running out of the alley with their tails between their legs. Naruto turned to the woman with an expression of triumph. "Are you alright?" he asked her.

She was swaying slightly, but when Naruto spoke she suddenly launched herself across the alley at him. "You saved me!" she cried, flinging her arms around his neck and burying her head in his chest. Naruto hugged her back awkwardly, feeling exhilarated and confused at the same time.

The woman lifted her head to stare up into Naruto's face. His mind noted again how beautiful she was.

"I love you!"

She jumped out of his grasp and tore his cell phone out of his pocket (his _butt pocket_) and punched in a number. "Here!" she said, chucking it back at him. He just barely caught it.

"Call me tonight! We'll figure out our wedding plans then!" With that, she flounced out of the alley, still holding her shoes.

Naruto watched her go. "What just happened?" he mumbled to himself. He glanced down at his phone. It read:

Haruno Sakura

555-3839

Naruto was late for work that day.

Minato was enjoying a nice day at work, cleaning an unused office, and getting his daily dose of sarcasm, when a sudden ringing interrupted his prolonged cleaning of the windows. It took him a moment to realize that it was his cell phone. Minato surreptitiously took out his (banned) cell phone and pressed the little green telephone. "Hello?" he said quietly.

"Dad, I've met the woman of my dreams and we're getting married tonight!"

"Hello, Naruto. What's the matter?"

"Dad, I'm not kidding!" Naruto said, sounding exasperated. "I saved her from some thugs and she said she wanted to marry me!"

Minato sighed. He could hear the happiness buzzing around in Naruto's voice, and he wondered why God had decided to make his son stupid. "Son," he said. "She was probably just happy you had saved her."

"No!" Naruto insisted. "We're getting married!"

"Naruto. . ." Minato really didn't see how his son actually believed any of that.

"I think I love her, Dad!" Naruto said. "And she said she loves me!"

Minato wondered if everything that went on in Naruto's life was so ridiculous that a random stranger declaring her love for him seemed normal. "Naruto, you can't marry someone who you don't even know. You don't know anything about her family life or her personality. What if she's got a crazy father, or acts like she's five years old? C'mon, Naruto. Think this through."

"Who are you to preach about getting know a woman?" Naruto said nastily. "My mother was a prostitute. At least I know her name! It's Haruno Sakura." Naruto hung up on his father.

Minato pocketed his cell phone, sighing deeply. Times like these really made him wonder if he had raised his son right. Most likely not, a little voice in the back of his head said.

Then Naruto's last words registered in Minato's mind.

Haruno Sakura?

He hoped to God Naruto had got her name wrong.

Because a Haruno Matsui just so happened to be Minato's _**BOSS**_.

Naruto left Mickey's, after working a twelve hour shift (which he was fairly sure was illegal), smiling and whistling despite the grueling day. He had to go to another job at seven, at a bar usually full tothe brim with drunk people. As he walked down the street, he pulled out his cell phone and punched in a new number.

"Hello?"

"Haruno Sakura?"

"Omigosh! I know who you are! You're my fiancé! I'm so glad you called! I didn't think you would! What's your name, by the way?"

Naruto smiled. "Uzumaki Naruto."

"Darling, I'm so happy you called! Please, please, you have to come over and see me!"

"I will, I will. Just tell me where to go."

"Okay!" Sakura said. Naruto stopped walking and leaned against a building, still smiling like an idiot. He didn't think when he woke up this morning and smashed his seventh alarm clock that he'd meet the love of his life. But, look, here he was, with a bright and happy future ahead of him!

He just wished his father had been a bit more receptive to it . . .

"Where to you want to go, Naruto darling? There's my beach house, my actual house, my apartment, my condo, my-"

"Um, your actual house is fine."

"Okay! It's 506 Georgeson Avenue. Did you get that? 506 G-E-O-R-"

"Yes, Sakura, I got it. Don't worry."

"Okay! Come over at six, alright?"

"Got it." Naruto said. "I'll be there."

"I can't wait for you to come!" Sakura trilled. "Goodbye, my love! Goodbye!"

"Bye, Sakura."

The line went dead.

Despite Sakura's, er, _overwhelming_ personality, Naruto was still high on happiness. In his opinion, Sakura was the most perfect girl in the entire universe. He headed towards home, whistling once more.

On a sudden whim, Naruto turned around and began walking towards the high class section of town. He had only been there once before, and since Sakura was obviously wealthy, he wanted to get a little experience in the rich man's world before he met up with her. But he didn't think Sakura and her family would reject him just because he was low class. No, he imagined them as the most accepting people in the entire universe.

Naruto ended up in a busy square ringed by the headquarters of many illustrious trading companies, including the one his father worked at. Crowds of rich, classy business people passed him, casting him disdainful glances that Naruto wasn't paying attention to. He was deep in the exciting world of his city's wealthy merchant class. And Naruto was finding he liked it very much. Soon, maybe he could have this world, and the most beautiful woman on the face of the planet.

On another sudden, random whim (Naruto was slightly impulsive), he ran up the fire exit of a tall building to the roof. He went to the edge and looked down at the swarm of people clogging the square. A huge smile split across his face.

"I LOVE HARUNO SAKURA!"

There were two things a father never wanted to hear.

One was that your daughter wanted to become a stripper.

The other had just reached the ears of Haruno Matsui.

"I LOVE HARUNO SAKURA!"

Haruno looked up to the sky, the direction where he had heard a voice screaming those awful words. He distantly saw the shape of a man leaning over the side of the building that was the headquarters of his multimillionaire trading company.

So he glared.

Naruto's little expedition to the high class world didn't really prepare him for the super high class world. He stared up at the massive mansion of the Harunos, feeling rather small.

He had run home to shower and changed into something more presentable. He even remembered to leave a note for his father (_Dear Uzumaki Minato: Out for tea. Cordially, Your Son Uzumaki Naruto, whose opinion you do not respect or care for_). But all this still left him feeling a little stupid compared to Sakura's huge white mansion, carefully manicured lawn- and was that horses he saw running around?

For the first time in his life, Uzumaki Naruto wished he had a bit more money.

He walked up to the double front doors, which featured some lovely snarling lions, and knocked a few times (he would notice the doorbell eventually). Naruto waited anxiously for someone to open the door, rolling back on his heels a bit. After what seemed like forever, the right door opened a slit and a short, graying old man popped his head out. "And you are?" he asked with contempt.

Naruto was not deterred. "Hi," he said, flashing a big, bright smile. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto. Haruno Sakura should be expecting me."

"Hmm . . ." the old man said. "Well, I will check with her and see-"

"NARUTOOOOOOO!"

Someone pushed aside the doorman and opened up the front door wide. It was Sakura, wearing a pair of jeans and a casual shirt and a huge smile. Naruto thought she looked gorgeous. "Hi!" she said happily.

"Hey," he greeted back.

"Come inside, come inside!" Sakura ushered him in. Naruto almost stepped on the doorman, who was laying on the ground in a very defeated manner. It didn't occur to him to help the poor guy up, so lost was Naruto in his newfound love.

"You have to meet Daddy!" Sakura exclaimed. "I told him all about you and he's just _dying _to meet you!"

_She lives with her father too!_ Naruto thought. _We're so alike! We must be made for each other!_

Sakura led Naruto through a hall that was covered from floor to ceiling in obviously expensive things to a large room that appeared to be a study. In a tall mahogany desk sat an older man with a stern expression on his face. "This is Daddy!" Sakura said. "Daddy, this is Naruto!"

Haruno Matsui peered at Naruto. He thought he recognized the boy from somewhere . . . Sakura had told him his last name was Uzumaki. He wondered if Naruto was related to Uzumaki Minato, a man Haruno had employed for a janitor job years ago at some random high school graduation. Haruno didn't really like Minato.

And he really didn't like the man who his daughter wanted to marry after knowing for two seconds.

Naruto and Sakura were gazing into each other's eyes lovingly, which Haruno found pretty sickening. "You," he growled, startling Naruto. "You saved my daughter from gift card thieves?"

"Yes, sir," Naruto responded politely, wanting to make a good impression.

"Then she proposed to you?"

"Well, I guess you could say that."

"What do you mean?"

"It was, um, sort of an unconventional method of proposing."

"It was unique and special!" Sakura piped up. "Naruto will never be able to forget it!"

_Naruto will want to forget after I'm through with him,_ Haruno thought. "Then you proceeded to climb to the top of my corporate headquarters and shout, 'I love Haruno Sakura'?"

Naruto's cheeks turned pink, but he nodded anyway. "Yes, sir."

"Aww," Sakura cooed. "That's so cute!" Naruto smiled at her. Haruno thought of the nice, sharp butcher knife in the kitchen. Because that's what he was going to do to Uzumaki Naruto. Make pork cutlets out of him . . .

"And now you want to marry my daughter."

Naruto unconsciously grabbed Sakura's hand. "Yes, sir." Haruno made a mental note to tell the cook that they were having pork cutlets tonight.

Sakura looked at her father pleadingly, squeezing Naruto's hand tight. "_Pleeaaase_, Daddy. I really want to marry Naruto!"

Haruno regarded his daughter for an instant. Her words couldn't change his mind, made up from the moment Naruto walked into his study wearing brown socks with black shoes.

Daddy knows best.

"No."

Sakura's face fell. Naruto couldn't be bothered to hide his disappointment either. "Why?" Sakura whined.

"What does he have to offer you, Sakura?" Haruno sneered contemptuously. "I know his father, and what he's inherited; laziness, stupidity, and a lack of a fashion sense. He's low class, besides. Bottom of the heap. Probably works at a restaurant named after a Disney character that has nothing to do with the merchant business. He's got nothing for you, Sakura."

The whole time Haruno was talking Naruto's face had slowly been turning the color of a tomato. As soon as Haruno finished uttering his last scornful sentence, Naruto burst out angrily, "Listen, you little [LANGUAGE FILTER]bag, I don't need your [LANGUAGE FILTER] blessing! It's not the [LANGUAGE FILTER] eighteen hundred's anymore! Sakura and I are in love and by [LANGUAGE FILTER], we're getting married whether you like it or not!"

Naruto immediately realized he had said some pretty daring and nasty things to Sakura's father. He glanced at her helplessly, hoping she wasn't about to slap him across the face.

To his relief, she was nodding soberly. "Daddy," she began, tone very serious. "I really love Naruto. And I really want to marry him. He and I are going to run away to San Francisco to get married. You can't stop us."

Haruno sighed. "Sakura, you mean Las Vegas, and you know I can freeze your credit card."

"Not the Barnes and Nobles one." Sakura said with a note of triumph in her voice.

"Please don't elope with a man you hardly know," Haruno pleaded, feeling his last bit of sanity melt away.

"No, Daddy!" Sakura cried out passionately. "Naruto and I are made for each other!" Suddenly, Sakura ran for the door, towing along Naruto. "Naruto and I are leaving for Las Vegas, Daddy!" She yelled as she tried to push open the door. Naruto murmured for her to stop and pulled it open. "We'll take the eight AM train and stay at the Hampton Inn! Don't try to find us, Daddy, because you won't be able to!"

With those ominous words, Sakura ran out her father's study with her soon-to-be husband. "Goodbye!" she called. "Goodbye!"

It was then Haruno suddenly understood how his daughter had failed preschool.

Minato was a mess. His son had never come home yesterday. Minato had phoned the police, the only clue he could give them Naruto's cryptic message and his new love for the daughter of a millionaire. It was with a heavy heart that Minato went to work the next day, his countenance more miserable than usual. His coworkers respected his space, and didn't pry. Minato mopped a carpeted room gloomily, hardly paying attention to anything he was doing or saying.

He wondered if Naruto's disappearance was tied to Haruno Sakura. Naruto had gotten really upset with him when Minato told had him to take things slowly. Had he run away with the Haruno heiress?

"Minato?"

Minato looked up despondently at the mention of his name to see a fellow janitor standing awkwardly in the doorway of the room Minato was cleaning. "Minato, um, Mr. Haruno wants to see you."

Minato blinked.

He let his mop fall out of his hand and began the long climb to Haruno's room, twenty floors above him. He finally arrived and knocked twice on the overly tall door. A secretary opened up the door and ushered him into another room. He entered into a study (very much like the one at the Haruno house, but Minato wouldn't know that). Haruno sat behind a massive desk, but got up when Minato entered. "Hello," he said awkwardly.

"Hello," Minato responded cautiously.

Haruno sighed. "I'll get straight to the point, Uzumaki. Last night your son and my daughter eloped to Las Vegas."

Minato closed his eyes. He had been half-expecting it, but still, the pure idiocy of his son's decision struck hard. When he opened them, Haruno was inserting a tape into a TV. "They sent a tape," Haruno explained, obviously not looking forward to watching it. "The note attached said we had to watch it together."

Haruno pressed play on the VCR.

An image flickered onto the screen.

It was of a beat-down church. Naruto, Sakura, and a priest were all standing on an altar. Naruto was wearing a black tuxedo and Sakura a white dress. Minato realized with horror what was happening.

Sakura waved her arms in front of whatever was taping them- most likely a camera. "Hellooooo?" she yelled. "Hellooo? Anybody hear me?"

"It doesn't go both ways, Sakura," Naruto said patiently, walking up next to her. "Is it on? Oh, good. Okay. Here we go. So, uh, hi, Dad, Mr. Haruno. As you can see, Sakura and I are about to get married. We really don't want you to be alarmed. This is best for us, honestly."

"We've already got our future planned out," Sakura cut in. "I'm going to be a healer and Naruto's gonna be a ninja."

"No, Plan B, Sakura, remember?" Naruto corrected.

Sakura nodded. "Oh, yeah. I'm going to be a healer and Naruto's gonna be a-"

"Anyways, we wanted to send you this video of our wedding night so that you guys know we're gonna be okay and happy." Naruto said.  
><em>Not with that idiot as your wife<em>, Minato thought with steadily growing horror.

_Not with that idiot as your husband,_ Haruno thought disdainfully.

"So," Sakura said happily. "Naruto and I are going to get married!"

Naruto and Sakura walked over to the priest, who cleared his throat and said, "I understand you just want me to say, 'You may kiss the bride'?"

Naruto and Sakura started kissing. The priest sighed. "Good luck," he said to the camera, and promptly walked out of view. Naruto and Sakura continued to kiss each other. Haruno and Minato felt disgust wash over them. _How could she kiss him?_ Haruno wondered.

Naruto and Sakura broke apart. "I love you!" Naruto yelled into her ear.

"I love you, too!" she screamed back.

Naruto hopped over to the camera. "Goodbye, Dad, Mr. Haruno!" he said. "We'll see you after our honeymoon in Los Angeles!"

"Don't come looking for us!" Sakura yelled. Naruto smiled briefly before turning off the camera.

The screen went dark. Haruno's office was silent as both fathers contemplated the horrific scenes they had just been subjected to.

It occurred to them that they probably could've raised their children a little bit better.


End file.
